10 Topics to Discuss Before Marriage

When people decide to get married, there are some topics that can be overlooked that ‘down the relationship track’ may become more important.

Here are some issues that you might want to discuss with your future life partner.

Firstly choose a date night, or coffee time when you both feel relaxed and not stressed, and are in the mood to communicate openly together. 

Some of these subjects may not pertain to your relationship, and others may just be overlooked or taken for granted that you agree on these issues already. Especially in the heat of new romance, we show our partner our best side. This does not mean that habits or feelings that initially seem endearing can after time be annoying. 

I was looking at a comedy show recently and the American female comic mentioned something that was to a big deal to her when choosing a partner. She was initially attracted to her lover and future husband partly because he was a Harvard business graduate, and she was not ‘good’ with finance and had a rather erratic earning potential at that time.  She erroneously thought that he would have that area of life covered, as that was his forte, only to find out much later that he was quite heavily in debt and not that good with finances at all. 

So here are some things to talk about so you can be on the same page with your loved one.

You both don’t have to agree on every little thing, but talk about the ones that you think might be a priority for you in a happy marriage.

  1. Career:- What are your ambitions in your career, are you highly ambitious, somewhat ambitious, or mildly ambitious. What sort of priority do you place on work schedule, as opposed to home and/or family life? If work takes you away from home a lot, would your partner be happy with this? If you needed to move away from your current home for work purposes, whose career takes precedence and priority?
  2. Finances:- Do either of you have any significant debt which should be revealed. What are your spending and or savings habits? Do you want to share bank accounts or keep them separate? Will there be open communication around money. Will significant purchases be discussed together? Will you set an amount e.g. $200 or under that one person can make the decision to spend without the other person’s consent. Of course that amount is variable and a joint decision. 
  3. Family:- Do you have much contact with Parents and other relatives? How much do you allow them into your life and relationship decisions? Do you all get on well together? 
  4. Children:- Do you see having children in your future? If so is there a timeline that you both agree on for that to happen in a comfortable manner for both parties. Will duties be shared or will one person be the main nurturer. How much will each parent contribute to the upbringing emotionally and financially. 
  5. Friends and social life:- How much do you want to socialise with friendship groups moving forward? Are you happy if your partner socialises regularly without you? Are you comfortable with your future spouse confiding in their friends about your relationship. If so how much do you consider a fair thing? Do you consider time apart healthy or a deal breaker. 
  6. Gambling and or Alcohol or Substance abuse:-Do either of you have problems with gambling, alcohol or drug abuse which your partner finds problematic or that are not being controlled?
  7. Politics, Spirituality and or Religion:- Discuss your feelings about these things. Do you share common values re social justice, compassions towards your fellow human, do you see these ideas changing in any way? Are you on the same page with spirituality and or religion.  Do you think your partners beliefs would ever be a problem with your relationship should things change? If your partner’s views changed drastically in any of these ways, how much is too much for you to handle?
  8. Love and Sex:- What are your honest views on your sex life. Do either of you have needs which are not being fulfilled right now? If so how can you deal with these issues. Discuss what you like sexually and what you need sexually to be happy in your relationship. How do you need your partner to show affection? Romantic words, actions or both? How much intimacy do you need to be shown to feel loved?
  9. Respect:- How do you wish to be spoken about and treated in front of friends and relatives? How much is too much when joking about your spouse? When do you feel disrespected? Ensure your loved one knows when they are going too far. Some friends I know have key words that they say when their significant other is crossing the line with them, either alone or especially socially. 
  10. How to make the chores fair:- Make a list of things that each of you can look after in the relationship to make the workload fair and equitable. Taking turn about to cook and clean. Making sure that there is not just one person shouldering all of the work. Keep your eyes open to what needs to be done and don’t make one person the ‘parent figure’ who always has to ask the other to do their chores. That doesn’t make anyone feel loved or appreciated.

There are many more issues which could be mentioned on this list, but maybe when you start your open communications other issues which are important to you both will come up in your discussions. Communication is one of the major keys to success in a long term relationship. 

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